The Inevitability of Salad

I’ve been watching these youtube videos, recommended to me by my mother-in-law.

Last night, during yet another sleepless night, I read “The Calorie Myth.”

Both of these people are saying essentially the same thing, and that thing is this:

If you want to be thin or even just not fat, and if you want to be healthy, wave goodbye to bread products for the rest of your life.

It’s extremely depressing.

The basic theme of the nutrition facts guy is: go vegan. 9 servings or more of veggies every day, plus beans and oatmeal and berries every day.

The basic theme of the calorie myth guy: you can have meat and eggs and low fat dairy but you’re looking at ten servings of veggies every day, plus five servings of protein and 3 servings of healthy fats. No sugar. NOT EVER ON THE SUGAR.

In addition, the calorie myth guy has a fast and simple workout plan that consists of four exercises once a week. Why is it only once a week? Because you’re meant to be so sore from that exercise session that you can only do it once a week.

In essence, I’m going to live my life sore and without cake.

In other depressing news, I had the worst therapy session in quite some time last week. I almost consider this to be positive news, because we’ve been having a lot of easy sessions, and you can’t really grow and change with the easy sessions.

On the other hand, this particular session involved me and my therapist talking at cross purposes and one of us crying and we left it on a very unsettled note and I’m still not really sure what I think about it, so there’s that.

Basically, her feeling is that I have an (incorrect) narrative in my head that I have to work harder for everything than other people, and she thinks that’s not true.

I said, well, there’s evidence for it, yes? I have to fight the school every year for things like report cards and picture order forms that other people get to have easily. And she says, those things don’t matter, and probably other non-custodial parents don’t get those things easily. You’re only struggling because you want custodial perks and the world isn’t set up for that.

And I said, so I should just give up? I should accept that I’m not like the other moms? I can’t be like the other moms? I have to be less, like some deadbeat dad who spends his life with his new girlfriend and barely has any involvement in his kid’s lives? And she said, don’t try to be like the other moms, give up on that, yes. Focus on what matters.

But I don’t want to give that up. I think it’s important to be a mom. Ever since the day the first child was born, I thought of myself as a mom and that self-image comes with all these other images and components. What makes a person a mom? Does it include helping them with their homework and being involved in their school? Does it involve knowing their teachers? Does it involve putting their report cards and pictures up on the refrigerator and the wall?

What am I, if I don’t have the time with the children that I deserve, and I spend huge portions of my life without them in the house or with me, and I don’t have access to their schoolwork and their teachers, and I can’t order their school pictures or see their report cards? What am I if, as happened last year, my contributions for the end of year slideshow were ignored?

HOW AM I A MOM?

I feel like that scene from the Simpson’s, when Milhouse’s parents get divorced and he starts calling his dad “weekend dad.” I don’t want to be a “weekend mom.” It’s bad enough that their stepmom tells people she’s their mom, it’s bad enough that she takes them on “mommy daughter dates” during the half hour on the weekend that I get to talk to them, so I have to talk to them as they are on break from whatever that entails, how much more can I give up and still be a real mom?

I don’t know. I’m crying now, just thinking about it.

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