This Baby is Trying to Kill Me

It’s been just over a week since I learned that I was pregnant and my fears that my body has forgotten how to be pregnant are proving accurate.

I’m just at 5 weeks on the pregnancy calendars and I’ve had terrible nausea most days and occasional bouts of vomiting. Plus, I’m still recovering from the cold I got a week ago. I’m coughing up mucus and get short of breath if I exert myself at all.

In other news, I’m pushing hard on the work, because I need the money situation to resolve itself before this baby comes. I’m trying to get the first part of this project consistent, and that’s completing the amount of work I schedule for myself each week. That’s the simple work for cash stuff, which doesn’t pay much but is guaranteed income.

Once I get that settled and am consistently doing that–which I hope to be by the end of the month–I’ll start working on the other project, which is small ebooks on various topics that will go up in the Kindle store. I don’t need much from these books, just enough to replace the other income when the baby comes so I don’t have to work each day without the money going to hell.

The husband has the capacity to add nearly a thousand dollars to the income every month through his job, but it requires evening classes and work as well as some exams. I’m encouraging him to get working on that as hard as I can but of course, that’s mostly on him. I can’t make him do what he doesn’t want to do.

I’m so sick and tired all the time. When I’m not feeling like I’m going to vomit I’m starving. I’m still gaining too much and I’ve stopped weighing myself because I don’t want to to know what’s happening there. It’s not a great situation over here.

Unexpectedly Efficient Sperm

We’re pregnant! On only the second month we were trying! Despite my advanced age and his unproven swimmers!

Breathe.

When we got the news, I started making lists immediately. The husband is more relaxed about things, but I will not be happy until we can complete the list of preparation items and be ready for the baby.

I’ve had a few bouts of morning sickness, but despite that and the strict diet I’m keeping to, I’ve gained something like 5 pounds from this time last month. I don’t know what that’s about and I can’t make it stop but I’m only allowed 20 pounds this entire pregnancy so I don’t really want to waste those five pounds since I suspect they are Halloween pounds and not baby pounds. It’s all very stressful.

In that vein, I’m considering hypnobirthing as a childbirth strategy. I had been considering the Bradley method, but once I realized that I was living in a place of constant anxiety I thought we should consider a form of childbirth that involves relaxation practice. I’m listening to half an hour of positive baby affirmations a day from the hypnobirthing app and I’ve gotten a couple of books from the library. There are some CDs that I can buy on Amazon, or even better, the digital editions, and that’s the next step.

I might even be able to dodge the 300 dollar childbirth class.

Meanwhile, we push onward on the money front. I’m working hard, getting enough money to cover the holidays and the two birthdays we have between now and the holidays. We’re trying to get things in order so that the money will be easing up by the time the baby is born. Everything is scary and difficult but all we can do is push forward and hope for the best.

Halloween, aka “EAT ALL THE THINGS!”

I don’t want to know what I weigh today. Nor did I want to know what I weighed yesterday. Halloween is a rough holiday. There were ROLOS in the candy bag we bought. My children suggested that we’ve never had rolos in this house, which is possible, since I’ve been trying to be good, but that streak definitely ended this weekend.

Meanwhile, I did a good streak of work last week, and hope to continue that streak this week, although if today’s progress is any indication that is not to be.

Also happening today is the beginning of the new eating plan. I had a big salad for lunch although I realized too late that I’d forgotten the avocado I was supposed to put on it. Breakfast was supposed to be low-fat greek yogurt with a scoop of protein powder in it. I have news for you: you mix a full scoop of protein powder into a cup of yogurt and the entire thing will be grainy and terrible. I ate maybe half of it. We’ll cut the protein scoop in half tomorrow and see how that goes.

In other news, yet another fight with the husband this weekend. We almost never fight, but it’s been happening a lot lately. In this case, I thought he was lying about his motivation. Apparently, if I think he’s lying, that’s a fundamental distrust of him as a person and a deep questioning of his integrity and he cannot handle it.

In my world, considering my background, this is a lot to ask of me. I trust him not to hit me, not to hit or molest the kids, and considering that all of those things were regular features of my first marriage, I think I’ve made a significant leap. It’s part of the trend of all these fights, that if I’m not perfect, he’s mad at me. And I hate it.

And it makes me dig my feet in harder. Would I have overcome my exhaustion and cleaned the house this morning if he hadn’t flipped out on me this weekend? Would I have buckled down and done some more work if he hadn’t?

Which is crazy, because these failings only hurt me. I like a clean house. I like money.

It’s something that I’m working through.