Second Trimester and Everything is Still Miserable

The app I use to track my pregnancy symptoms starting yesterday’s information with “Undoubtedly, you are feeling better physically…” and I almost threw my phone across the room. I still feel like death. I’m still throwing up, I’m still exhausted, I’m still having terrible headaches.

I am very afraid, because the first pregnancy was like this ALL the way through. I don’t want to do this for another 6 months. It’s terrible.

Moving on.

The sickness is keeping me from working. Most days I’m lucky if I can sit up long enough to get the laptop open and on, let alone do any actual work. This is not good because money is important.

Fortunately, the husband got a Christmas bonus which allowed us to catch up a bit on some of the bills. We’re still behind–most notably, I think we might still be a month behind on the mortgage plus a couple of months on the power–but it’s much better now.

Still, I need to be working and for that, I need to feel better, and it’s just not happening. The dehydration is a real issue and a couple of times I’ve been on the bubble for IV hydration, because I’m just not keeping things down, not even fluids.

Meanwhile, we’re still keeping the pregnancy a secret, for a couple of reasons. First, it’ll be another week or so before we’ll get the definitive (probably) word on the chromosomal tests, and we want to keep the door open for termination if there’s something terribly wrong, although each day that we’re still pregnant it’s harder to imagine pulling the plug on this.

But second, my sister was pregnant this entire time and only just had her baby and I had no intention of making my announcement right before she had her baby and pulling focus from her and her moment.

The problem with this is, of course, the sickness. It’s hard to hide from the older kids that I’m sick, really sick. It’s hard to hide from people around me and now that I’m starting to show, it’s getting even harder. Thank God for winter, because I can hide behind loose sweaters and big jackets. But that’s not going to work for much longer, either. Just another week or so and we can announce.

You know, I get that my family doesn’t live nearby and therefore the situation is completely different, but it’s a little disconcerting how much excitement and effort went into the baby shower/gifts for my sister’s baby compared to what I got from them in terms of even interest on the previous two children. And similarly, when she had her baby, everyone was texting all night back and forth and talking about it for the next several days on group messages, and that was also not a thing that happened when I had mine. It makes me annoyed and frustrated, and not entirely sure I even want to open the door to telling everyone about this baby, because if they’re not going to be excited and happy, do I really want to invite commentary and questions? Why am I offering myself for the annoying things of a publicly known pregnancy when I’m not at all certain I’ll get any of the benefits?

This is yet another issue to address with my therapist, I suppose. It’s hard not to be sad and upset about how much easier and better other people have things, but I’m trying to keep my head up and stay focused.

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