Can I Get a Break, Please?

I’m a well documented whiner when I get sick. If I was appointed supreme ruler of the world, one of my first actions would be to authorize a morphine drip for minor illnesses because honestly, wouldn’t life be so much happier if you could just sleep through a cold or the flu?

(I would also mandate 4 way stop classes for all drivers because WHY IS THIS SO HARD FOR EVERYONE?!)


Unfortunately, I am not the supreme ruler of the universe and I was not allowed a morphine IV for the past week, which is sad because I have some sort of nasty cold or similar virus.

I’m doing the best I can to keep going and do at least a decent chunk of my to do list, but it’s not been easy.

The worst appears to be over, but we had to do a road trip yesterday to the in-laws so they could see the baby in his Halloween costume, and I’m wiped today. I’m exhausted, the sore throat is back, the body aches are worse, the congestion is worse…I’m effectively back to where I was three days ago. Not fun.

Plus, we had road trip food while we were out so I don’t even want to know what is happening with the weight. Although for the first time since I got sick I made my steps, so that’s good.

I need a break. I need my luck to change and give me a nice solid run of no crisis so I can get it together. It’s like I have to try to get my life together with a much higher level of difficulty than necessary.



Falling Off the Wagon

I had been doing a really good job on the “no sugar, no refined carbs” diet plan as recommended by my endocrinologist. And then Friday it all went to hell. I was unprepared for the sequence of events that threw me off the plan, which is good because I can troubleshoot this going forward.

Sequence of terribleness:

  1. One of my friends unexpectedly dropped by and outright refused my attempts to feed her, meaning I could not eat either. She left as I left to get the kids from school.
  2. I had to leave earlier than anticipated because the older child–who was meant to stay at school for an after school even that would last until nearly bedtime–called with agonizing ear pain and needing pain medicine. I said, if it’s that bad, let’s just take you to the doctor. And that messed up the afternoon.
  3. I had to return a few things to Walmart and get some things for the planned trip to the in-laws on Saturday, AND go to the Girl Shop store for supplies that we have run out of time to avoid purchasing.
  4. The husband ALSO didn’t get home until after dinner, eating out, as a result of the doctor/pharmacy/school run for the older kid, which made making a full dinner for just the remaining child seem ridiculous.
  5. The baby was fussy and vomiting all afternoon.

Result: as I was wandering all over the greater part of the metro area, I finally snapped in starvation and stopped for fast food, where instead of getting something remotely on plan I got fries and a shake in addition to my grilled chicken sandwich.

Then I gave up and ordered pizza for the younger child, and she and I split pizza and cheese bread.

Ultimate result: Up 4.2 pounds the next day. That’s an unbelievable jump, right? That’s bound to come down a bit eventually, but yesterday when the big one got much sicker and needed to go back to the urgent care center immediately, I stress ate. Donuts. Cheese fries. Biscuits.

I didn’t even weigh myself today. I don’t want to know what I did to myself. All I can do now is stay on plan for a few days and then weigh myself again and see if I could balance it.

Lesson learned: I need portable, travel friendly snacks that can hold me over when I’m starving and a better way to handle extreme stress that does not include cheese fries.

(But seriously, have you had cheese fries? SO GOOD.)


Death Stalks the Family

My husband’s grandfather suffered a fall over the summer and broke his hip. This was the last straw for the family, who had long been considering trying to talk the grandparents into leaving the ranch in the middle of nowhere Colorado and relocate them in a real city. The fall was a precipitating event because the grandmother is having some memory issues and doesn’t drive, so with his hip broken they were stranded out there.

And so, a month long trip by my mother in law later, they were resettled in a very nice but pricey assisted living home.

About a month ago, grandpa got pneumonia. He was recovering nicely, but it was still concerning because if he required too much care then he would have to move to a nursing home and grandma would have to go too, they don’t want to be apart.

And then, as he was about to be released from the hospital, he had a massive stroke and the doctors moved him not to his assisted living facility but rather to hospice.

My mother in law went up there with the unemployed brother and they waited it out.

He passed on Saturday night.

We’ve been sitting here, thinking about funeral plans and the amount of paid leave the husband has left after using so much on it for the baby, for the past week.

In that time, my uncle very unexpectedly died. He dropped dead, literally dropped dead–they say he was dead before he hit the floor–of a heart attack.

Considering that my blood pressure never really got back to its stellar place after the preeclampsia, this is not especially reassuring.

I wasn’t close to my uncle–I believe I met him twice–and so I feel no personal distress about this situation. Nor was I close to my husband’s grandfather. I met him once and we had to keep the fact that I was Jewish on the down low because he was an anti-semite, but otherwise apparently a lovely person.

I feel a bit like Moaning Myrtle (“just sitting here thinking about death”) but it’s been an alarming week over here.

I feel guilty when people die, because I don’t feel particularly excited about life and frequently wish I was not alive. And so it feels wrong for people who liked being alive and wanted to be alive to be taken from the world while I keep eking out a pitiful existence.

At least I have the baby, who makes me happy with his smiles and his persistent awesomeness. But I live in terror of his upcoming surgery. My luck is never this good, my karma is never this good, and I’m due for something terrible. I very much fear he’ll die on the table.

It’s ridiculous–it’s a minor surgery, it’s outpatient, his surgeon is the chief of surgery at the children’s hospital and should certainly be fine doing a minor surgery–but it’s something I can’t stop worrying about.

Meanwhile, I have to just hope that Death is satisfied with the harvest our family has provided this week and leaves us alone for a while.

Money Out and Sugar In

This weekend has not been a great one from a goals perspective.

Friday we did the baby’s naming ceremony. He should have had a bris and we’d have done the naming at that time but he can’t do a bris because he’s got a wacky penis that needs surgical intervention and they’ll have to do the circumcision then, so no bris for him. Which leaves us without a Jewish name. Unacceptable.

We talked to the rabbi, picked a name, and scheduled to do a short but sweet naming ceremony last Friday afternoon.

I scheduled it for 1pm because the kids got out of school at noon, only to discover early last week that the older child didn’t get out till 1pm. It was too late to reschedule, so I just took her out of school early. All she missed was PE, but I am bracing for the tongue lashing from the ex over it.

I made sugar cookies for the ceremony but very few were eaten since there were very few people there and so we took the cookies home and I’ve been eating them ever since. This is very very bad, both from a caloric and weight point of view (I’m not even weighing myself at this point, I’m too afraid) and from the health point of view, since my endocrinologist wants me to give up sugar. Bad all around.

Then we get to the money aspects, which is also problematic. I’m still waiting for a refund and a payment, and I had to pay for things for the kids this weekend, to the tune of almost a month’s worth of gymnastics, so I’m feeling poor. Or perhaps more poor than usual is more accurate.

Also, the site I use to get my writing work upgrading my writing level, so I get paid more per word, which is good. But that also means that I can’t take the less expensive assignments, so there’s not actually any work available for me. Not a win, all things considered.

But it’s a lovely day here and the kids are getting their chores and homework done on this extra day off, and when the baby wakes up we get to go to the park, so things could always be worse.



Asthma and Blood Pressure

The younger child has been having coughing and wheezing after her gymnastics class and after her PE class at school. I asked her dad to take her to the doctor and he refused. Of course he did. So I scheduled a doctor’s appointment for her myself. He insisted on coming. It was terrible.

He spent the entire visit deliberately countering every thing she or I said to the doctor. If I said we see it after activity, he said, well I had her run with no issue. And I said, prolonged activity, and he said, she ran half a mile. And she said, I ran the length of four houses! And he said, no, it was more than that.

That went on for more than an hour, all told. We walked out of there with a prescription for an inhaler, over his objections.

We dropped her off at school and when we got home I was having a splitting headache and so I took my blood pressure and it was outrageous. It was 150/105. That’s ridiculously high, at least as high as it was when I was in a crisis situation during the pregnancy. I called the doctor and they sent me to the ER and the people there said that they don’t treat blood pressure unless it’s 220/110 or worse, and they sent me home. Since then I’ve been taking the leftover blood pressure medicine and keeping it under control but it’s borderline low, now.

I blame this on the ex-husband. I had to deal with him on Wednesday for the older one’s cross country meet and it was rough. And then I had to deal with him again on Thursday morning. He is literally going to kill me. Since then I’ve been trying to do everything I can to reduce my blood pressure–eating foods that are good for blood pressure, taking decent walks every night, trying to stay calm. But it’s not good.