Crippling Panic

Last week we took the baby back to the specialist. As expected, his congenital defect has not miraculously self-corrected, and they’ve set a surgery date, for the week of Christmas.

The doctor said repeatedly that it’s more dangerous to drive to the store than have this surgery, but it’s really hard to internalize and believe that.

I’ve been crying off and on since we set the surgery. I’ve mentally set aside the outfit for him to be buried in and which of his pacifiers he should take to the grave in the event that he doesn’t make it through the surgery.

I don’t know what I will do if he doesn’t make it through the surgery, I really do not.

Also, I pulled the girls out of their girl scout troop, because the leader of their troop asked how I was doing, then she told me that I was being completely irrational and suggested that I leave the baby home with the husband and pick up a hobby between now and the surgery. And I said, how is that going to help me? If he does die, won’t I only feel worse because I lost time with him that may be limited? It’s one month, I can spend that time focused on him just in case. And she said, but you will feel different! And I said, but different isn’t necessarily better. And then she said, well, if you won’t take this one step to feel better, you are clearly choosing to feel this way and I have no patience for you.

I mean…that’s inappropriate and terrible, right? I know that I’m not in the best state of mind right now, but I don’t think I’m wrong to think that it was unacceptable. And cruel, too, to push and push on that.

So now we have to do our scouting independently because I can’t face looking for another troop again. It’s not great. What the hell is wrong with people?

Also terrible: I have to pay for the surgery before they will perform it. I could push the surgery to January when the flex spend account resets, but the insurance will be different next year and our out of pocket will more than double, so that’s not a good plan.

But of course we have no more flex spend this year, we spent it all on the high-risk pregnancy. We had to pay 232 to the surgeon last week. They’ll charge the card for another 232 the week before the surgery and when we show up to the hospital, the hospital will collect what is left of our out of pocket maximum for him this year. We have just under a thousand left on the his out of pocket maximum, so we’ll have to give them about 500 and change. In other words, we’re going to be paying about 700 and change the week of Christmas.

I can pick up the amount of writing work I’m doing, but that’s not easy. I have all the kids all week for Thanksgiving, but also…I don’t want to sacrifice what little time I have with him this month, just in case. It’s a disaster.

We can only hope that the husband’s company will give him a Christmas bonus this year. It’s terrible. I have to figure out how to make Christmas happen for the kids, knowing there’s a chance I’ll be dying of grief at that time, while worrying about money for the surgery, while worrying about him surviving surgery. It’s all terrible.



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