As mentioned previously, we’re dealing with a lot of chaos here. The offspring decided to take a foray into juvenile delinquency which meant we spent our entire summer in youth facilities and counseling and psychiatrists offices. It was an overwhelming amount of work.
There’s also the legal side to be dealt with, which is taking SO INCREDIBLY LONG. You’d think a process that started in June would be complete by October, but you would be wrong.
And the financial cost is outrageous. As you know if you’ve been reading, we were already on the struggle bus before this, and this has sucked everything we had and then some. We’re borrowing from family, we’re taking out extra credit cards, we’re doing everything we can to try and finance the bare minimum care and treatment that she needs. It’s not ideal and it’s slowing down the process that she doesn’t have access to EVERYTHING she needs, and as long as the legal is pending, her dad is arguing that he has no responsibility to contribute. He’s wrong, but getting him to pay requires us to take him to family court and the cost for that is probably about the same as getting him to pay what he owes us.
It is all terrible. We’re all stressed, we’re tired, we’re broke. How are we going to do Christmas this year? No one knows. We’re not even sure we can keep gas in the car by the end of each pay period.
The problem is, my life has been out of control for too long. The eating is wrong, the weight is wrong, the fitness is wrong, the emotional well-being is wrong, it’s all wrong. I feel like a before and after picture, only flipped. I’m starting from the post-earthquake image and I’m trying to get back to the before.
I’ve been trying to solve everything at once for years. It’s not working. It’s never worked.
The husband says, just let it go until the chaos of this period ends. But that feels like the opposite of the right answer to me. If we allow outside factors to influence our personal development, we’ll never get anywhere because there is always something that gets in the way of making significant life changes.
The stress eating of the summer has brought me to 12 pounds from my highest weight when at this time last year I was 35 pounds lighter than my highest weight. I’ve let this get out of hand.
I look at my life and I think, do it all right now! This is a disaster! FIX IT ALL! Go pure keto, do weights every other day, cardio every day, yoga and taichi on alternate days, meditate twice a day, commit to my religion in the form of doing morning and evening prayer services in addition to the weekly services, start working again, develop involved lesson plans for the toddler that cover all areas of his development, read more, keep the house scrupulously clean, and so on and so on.
Obviously, you read that paragraph and you realize it’s full of crazy. I see that, too. It’s definitely crazy.
Do all those things need to get done? Yes. Can I do them all right now? Nope. Not even a little bit.
The problem is forcing myself to have the patience to solve one problem at a time. I’m going to start with food. I’m going back to the no refined carbs, no sugar diet that my endocrinologist recommended to me a year ago. She will not be pleased if I show up in her office in February weighing more than I did then.
I’m also going to start walking the dogs every night because that should not be hard, but it feels hard.
Baby steps to victory, that’s the new motto.